Monthly Archives: December 2017

PQ 14.4 — What will happen if someone breaks the agreement? Do we have a path for reestablishing trust?

Page   December 30, 2017   Comments Off on PQ 14.4 — What will happen if someone breaks the agreement? Do we have a path for reestablishing trust?

PQ 14.4 — What will happen if someone breaks the agreement? Do we have a path for reestablishing trust?

Consequences and Accountability

“I guess I just don’t see the difference between setting a boundary and making an ultimatum,” the young man says. He’s come up to me after the class I’m teaching.

You’ve clearly had experiences that make you feel that way,  » Read more

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Not Permission, Not Chaos: Toward a Buy-In Model of Polyamory

Page   December 27, 2017   Comments Off on Not Permission, Not Chaos: Toward a Buy-In Model of Polyamory

It can be a difficult balance to strike in polyamory: How to add new partners to an existing relationship system without upsetting the relationships that are already in place.

A number of common strategies exist. Some relationship systems have extensive permission structures in place. Existing partners are consulted and each is called upon to approve or veto potential new relationships.  » Read more

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I Love Not Having to Pretend I’ve Never Been in Love with Anyone Else

Page   December 26, 2017   Comments Off on I Love Not Having to Pretend I’ve Never Been in Love with Anyone Else

People Have a Way of Acting as Mirrors

“Sometimes I wonder if I put the people in my life through too much by writing about them,” I say.

She shakes her head. “I think we learn a lot about ourselves from how we deal with other people,” she says. “And your posts are a reflection of that.  » Read more

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I’m Just a Hick Kid in Big City Clothing

Page   December 25, 2017   Comments Off on I’m Just a Hick Kid in Big City Clothing

I’m standing in a lushly decorated rooftop bar holding a drink that cost me more than I think a drink should. Although it’s a heavy pour, so that’s good. I’m dressed to the nines. Chic dress, lace pumps, suit coat. I’d spent hours earlier combing my wardrobe for the best pieces, looking for something that says “trendy businesswoman mixed with just a touch of first lady.”  » Read more

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Sex Work While Polyamorous: Possessiveness, Sex Bureaucracy, and Perception of Risk

Page   December 22, 2017   Comments Off on Sex Work While Polyamorous: Possessiveness, Sex Bureaucracy, and Perception of Risk

I recently stumbled across an interesting article called “I Asked My Tinder Matches If They Would Date a Sex Worker Like Me.” In the piece, Hayley Jade shares how she got into sex work as well as what men said when she asked them on Tinder how they would feel about dating a sex worker.  » Read more

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Chemistry Is Obvious, Dealbreakers Aren’t

Page   December 21, 2017   Comments Off on Chemistry Is Obvious, Dealbreakers Aren’t

She’s looking positively fierce in a black gown that envelopes her slender frame as though it was made for her, standing with perfect posture. But as soon as he enters the room, her body language changes. She hunches over forward sharply, like anything that folds for storage when you kick in its joints. She turns towards him and stares.  » Read more

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Voyeurism as Exposure Therapy: How Watching Kink Scenes Made Polyamory Easier for Me

Page   December 19, 2017   Comments Off on Voyeurism as Exposure Therapy: How Watching Kink Scenes Made Polyamory Easier for Me

I’m watching them from across the room, leaning against the wall. Trying to be as unobtrusive as I can, so that I don’t spoil their energy. I’ve positioned myself so that there’s another scene partially obscuring my view: A woman pressed up against a St. Andrew’s cross, her partner flogging her back in time to the music filtering into the room.  » Read more

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No, Polyamory Isn’t Just for Rich People

Page   December 15, 2017   Comments Off on No, Polyamory Isn’t Just for Rich People

It’s a criticism I hear fairly often of polyamory: Having multiple simultaneous romantic relationships is a classist idea. Some say polyamory is just for rich trust fund kids who have the scratch to go on twice, thrice, or four times as many dates.

It’s said that polyamory and other forms of consensual non-monogamy are inaccessible to all but the wealthiest among us.  » Read more

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There’s No Force Field Around Married People That Makes Them Unlovable

Page   December 7, 2017   Comments Off on There’s No Force Field Around Married People That Makes Them Unlovable

“How are you doing?” I say.

“Honestly, I’m scared,” he says.

“Scared?” I say. “I promise I don’t bite.”

“Not without permission anyway.”

I laugh.

“I just don’t know how to process any of it,” he says. “I’m in love with a married woman.”

“Oh,  » Read more

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The Conscientious Polyamorist

Page   December 5, 2017   Comments Off on The Conscientious Polyamorist

A study came out a while back correlating personality traits with polyamory and other forms of consensual non-monogamy. I read it with great interest but didn’t write about it for a long time.

Frankly, I was rather feelsy about the results:

  1. Having an openness to experience made it more likely that someone would have positive attitudes towards consensual non-monogamy (CNM) and be willing to engage in those kinds of relationships
  2. People high in conscientiousness were markedly less likely to have consensually non-monogamous relationships and in general held more negative attitudes toward them

As the study authors wrote about the second point:

“[I]ndividuals who tend to be very organized,  » Read more

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